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Dane Cook's Monkey

The comedian Dane Cook once visited a woman's home, planning to buy a monkey to bring along on the road. He quickly changed his mind.

"The woman selling them said all monkeys are cute until they're six months old, then it changes," he recalled. "She then popped in a video she made on how to treat your monkey. It was her cooking in her kitchen. The monkey jumps in, lands on her neck and bites her. In lightening speed she rips it off her back, bites it back really hard and throws it. She said if your monkey bites you and you don't bite back, they will think they have run of the house. She kept the tape rolling and the monkey was on top of the fridge making a horrible face. And she starts making faces back at it. She paused the tape and said that you have to scare it back to prove dominance. I thought, I don't have time to be biting monkeys and making faces. I don't wanna be with a chick and have to excuse myself to bite my monkey..."

["I don't care about them crapping, but the biting and making faces are too much."]

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