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John Mulaney at PaleyFest 2014. Credit: Dominick D (CC BY-SA 2.0)
Comedian John Mulaney once hatched a scheme to snag a Xanax prescription.

"I talked to a friend of mine," Mulaney later recalled, "and… said that he had a regular doctor's appointment, and at the end of it, he said to his doctor, 'Hey doctor, sometimes I get nervous on airplanes,' and the doctor just wrote him a Xanax prescription. And I was like, 'Yeah'…

"So I go to a clinic and I go in and I'm just gonna go in for a regular type of checkup. And at the end, I'll ask about Xanax.

"So I get to the front desk and they have a 'Why are you here?' sheet, and I want to pick something that will get me in and out really quickly. And I look down and I see 'Frequent Urination.' And I was like, 'Perfect. That'll be a super quick visit, you know. I'll just be like, "Hey, sometimes I pee a lot." And the doctor will be like, "Me too. Crazy, right?" And I'll be like, "I get nervous on airplanes."'

"So I checked off 'Frequent Urination' and I sat down in the waiting area, and I waited for three hours.

"I finally go back to the observation room and… the doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says, 'Oh, you're here for frequent urination. How many times a day are you urinating?' And I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit, so I said eleven.

"That was too many times to say. The doctor looks at me and says, 'If you're peeing eleven times a day, then you may have something wrong with your prostate'…

"I don't know exactly how he phrased it, but the gist of it was, 'Hey, if this visit is to continue, I'm going to stick part of my hand up your ass.' And I didn't know what to say, cuz I couldn't be like, 'No, that's okay, I was lying to get drugs'…

"So what I did was I pulled down my pants and I walked over to the observation table and I put my hands down on the observation table like this… and the doctor comes up behind me and goes, 'No no no, not on your hands. On your elbows,' and he knocks me down…

"[After] I was about to ask about xanax, but then he said, 'All right, your prostate's fine but we still need to do a blood test,' so I pulled up my pants and shuffled away feeling different. And he yells out into the hall—he goes, 'Hey, we're doing a blood test! Get in here'…

"Then the doctor left the room so I'm alone with [a nurse]…

"I said, 'Look, I'm one of those people who when you take blood from me, sometimes I can faint, and I was in the waiting area for three hours and I haven't eaten all day and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint.' And he said to me and I'll never forget it, 'Shh, you're not gonna faint.'

"So I stick my arm out, he puts the needle in, and I immediately collapse on the ground. I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table. I wake up, I opened my eyes and I see his face. He's looking at me. He goes, 'You've got to go.'

"And I said, 'Can I please talk to the doctor, because sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.' And he said, 'The doctor's gone.' So I got my stuff and I left.

"The moral of the story is that if you've been nervous your entire life, you should ask your doctor about Xanax because if you lie to him he will stick his finger in your ass, and if you do suffer from frequent urination keep it to yourself."

* It's actually not abnormal to urinate as often as 10 times a day. Maybe Mulaney should find another doctor.

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