witty replies

#witty replies

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James Thurber - Funnier In French
James Thurber was once approached at a cocktail party by a female admirer who declared that his work was even funnier in French. "Yes," Thurber replied, "I always seem to lose something in the original."
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Independence National Historic
The Taco Liberty Bell
In April 1996, Taco Bell placed full-page ads in several large newspapers announcing that it had purchased the Liberty Bell and had renamed it "the Taco Liberty Bell." The news provoked outrage. Philadelphia's Independence National Historic Park, where the bell was housed, received hundreds of calls from citizens expressing their anger. They soon learned the truth: the story, of course, was an April Fools prank. The best line of the day came from White House press secretary Mike McCurry. Asked about the sale, he replied that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would soon be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
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Dionysius - Time Well Wasted
The tyrant Dionysius was dining one day with Philip II of Macedon, who took to scorning the tyrant's father for having squandered his leisure hours writing poetry and plays. "How could a king find time to write such trifles?" he asked. "In those hours," Dionysius replied, "which you and I spend in drunkenness and debauchery."
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Douglas Jerrold - Unremitting Kindness
Douglas Jerrold once fell into conversation with a man on the subject of a mutual acquaintance who had disappeared for a prolonged period. "Why," the man indignantly exclaimed, "he has been away from his family and has never sent them a farthing. You call that kindness?" "Yes, I do," Jerrold replied. "Unremitting kindness."
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George Melly Mocks Mick Jagger's Wrinkles
While attending a party one evening, the jazz singer George Melly was introduced to Rolling Stones frontman Mick Jagger.  "I didn't expect you to have so many wrinkles," Melly remarked.  "They're not wrinkles," said Jagger. "They're laughter lines."  "Really?" said Melly. "Surely nothing could be that funny." 
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Palmerston Exchanges Compliments With A Frenchman
"If I were not a Frenchman," Lord Palmerston was once gallantly told, "I should wish to be an Englishman." "If I were not an Englishman I should wish," he obligingly replied, "to be an Englishman."
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Cosmo Gordon Lang - Unhappy With A Portrait
The Archbishop of Canterbury, Cosmo Gordon Lang, once commissioned a portrait from the celebrated artist William Orpen. Some time later, Lang, unhappy with his depiction, sought the advice of Hensley Henson, the bishop of Durham. "I fear it portrays me as proud, arrogant, and worldly," he explained.  "And to which of the three," the bishop replied, "does Your Grace take exception?"
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Arnold Schwarzenegger - Guess
One day Arnold Schwarzenegger passed a heavy woman and noticed that she was wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with the 'Guess' logo. Arnold's response? "I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
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One day during his tenure as Warden of New College (at Oxford), William Spooner was asked whether there were many Christian Socialists at the college. Spooner replied that, in his estimation, there were only two: Dr. Rashdall (a clerical Fellow) and himself. "But," he continued, "I'm not very much of a socialist and Dr. Rashdall isn't very much of a Christian."
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Maggie Paley: Why Men Have Nicknames For Their Genitals
Shortly after the appearance of her Book of the Penis, Maggie Paley was asked why so many men have nicknames for their genitals. "Well," she replied, "would you want to be bossed around by someone you don't even know?" [Fun fact: Iceland is home to a penis museum. The Icelandic Phallological Museum boasts a large collection of specimens from all native Icelandic animals, including humans.]